Say it with your chest. Or say it with your hat. Either way, someone’s grandma is about to be uncomfortable at the gas station.

This is more than a trucker hat. It’s a lifestyle manifesto. A head-first dive into the pool of bad decisions and double entendres.

If you’ve ever made a room go silent by reading your own headwear out loud — this one’s for you.

And no, we will not clarify what it means.

Details

• Foam-padded front panel – soft enough to nap, bold enough to ruin brunch

• Classic mesh back – breathable, like your morals

• Snapback closure – adjusts to fit your ego

• High-contrast orange and white – hunter safety meets bar bathroom graffiti

• Phrase is screen-printed in all caps – because subtlety is for cowards

• May get you uninvited from family events (worth it)

You didn’t play.

You endured.

This isn’t a hat — it’s a Purple Heart for your thumbs. If your childhood smelled like dusty cartridges and betrayal, you’ve already earned this mesh-backed monument to your digital valor.

The logo? It’s not just buttons. It’s the last thing your cousin saw before you made him rage quit forever.

For those who remember the cheat code to life: Up, Up, Down, Down, Trauma.

Details

• Embroidered front panel – stitched with gamer PTSD

• Mesh trucker back – breathable, like the console wars should’ve been

• Snapback fit – one size fits 99% of sweaty-palmed legends

• Color: Classic grey with dark mesh – neutral like your kill/death ratio

• Not available at GameStop. Ever.

• Power-up not included. Trauma? Absolutely.

You don’t wear this hat. You surrender to it. A full-blown legume explosion in 360° high-definition bean. Perfect for weddings, custody hearings, or just telling the world you gave up and became a soup.

Features:

– All-over baked bean immersion

– Unisex, unlike your personality

– Foldable for shame-based storage

– Lightweight polyester, heavy on regret

– Weird enough to be illegal in 13 states

Use cases:

• Getting kicked out of the family group chat
• Passing TSA with zero eye contact
• Talking to someone about your screenplay (bean-related)
• Summer. Or winter. Or emotional collapse.

For those of us running on vibes, caffeine, and a single waffle from this morning—this hat gets it.

Sleepy and Hungry. That’s the entire personality. That’s the entire mood. Embroidered in chaotic toddler crayon font so no one questions your mental bandwidth.

Wear it on a walk. Wear it to brunch. Wear it while crying in your car in the Taco Bell drive-thru. It works.

Product Details:

• ☀️ Sunshade mode: activated

•  Breathable for your last 3 remaining brain cells

•  Colorful embroidered letters (your hat’s louder than your coping mechanisms)

•  Dome-style crown with curved bill

•  Fabric: Soft-touch polyester

•  Size: One size fits all (we tested on a large grapefruit and an anxious uncle)

•  Unisex fit

•  Available in Beige, Black, Navy, Green, Pink, and Khaki

This isn’t a joke. It’s your warning label, embroidered for permanence.

Trump said Tilenal causes autism. Maybe he was wrong, maybe he was right—but one fact remains: you took it. You are a certified Tilenal Baby.

This hat exists so you don’t have to keep explaining yourself. It communicates everything before you open your mouth:

• You took Tilenal.

• Your brain development may be compromised.

• Patience isn’t optional—it’s required.

Think of it as a medical device for social interaction—a wearable diagnosis for modern life. When people approach, they already know who they’re dealing with. No confusion, no misinterpretation—just informed consent.

Not apparel. Not merch. A communication tool.

This isn’t a fashion statement. It’s an assistive device, engineered for smoother social encounters.

When Trump announced Tylenawl could cause autism, many finally had words for what they’d always known: we are Tylenawl Babies. Our brain development may not have met FDA projections, and communication can be… interpretive.

That’s where this hat steps in.

By wearing it, you provide a vital public service:

• Please be patient.

• Please adjust expectations.

• Please understand the side effects.

Think of it as a medical bracelet for your forehead—a wearable disclaimer for modern conversation.

No awkward introductions. No lengthy backstory. Just instant understanding.

This isn’t apparel. This is adaptive technology for the socially unmedicated.

You didn’t serve in one. You didn’t serve in two. But now you can dress like you did both.

The Two Wars, Zero Service pack is the only bundle that lets you flex battlefield credentials without ever leaving your couch. Civil War I covers the era of muskets and cholera. Civil War II covers the era of memes and misinformation. Together, they’re a stitched résumé of valor no one asked for.

Wear the first hat to Thanksgiving and make your grandpa salute you. Wear the second to TwitchCon and get thanked for your service in the comments. Or stack both and achieve the rank of Supreme Future-Past Veteran, which comes with exactly zero benefits and infinite swagger.

History may not repeat, but your headgear sure can.