Built for war. Worn for brunch.

This is the hood you put on when you need to survive both a snowstorm and your ex’s family ski trip. It’s thick. It’s cozy. It looks like you skinned a Muppet for warmth and got away with it.

Whether you’re bombing down a mountain or walking to CVS in a fit of seasonal depression, this thing says, “Don’t talk to me unless you brought soup.”

Also functions as a disguise. Allegedly.

Details

• Heavyweight sherpa exterior – like wearing a panic attack, but plush

• Windproof neck seal – whisper your lies into it, no one will hear

• Adjustable toggles – tighten it up when winter’s got hands

• One-piece design – no loose scarf, no neck shame

• Available in multiple colors – including “unclaimed snow corpse beige”

• Perfect for skiing, hiking, or crying in a Honda Civic

Say it with your chest. Or say it with your hat. Either way, someone’s grandma is about to be uncomfortable at the gas station.

This is more than a trucker hat. It’s a lifestyle manifesto. A head-first dive into the pool of bad decisions and double entendres.

If you’ve ever made a room go silent by reading your own headwear out loud — this one’s for you.

And no, we will not clarify what it means.

Details

• Foam-padded front panel – soft enough to nap, bold enough to ruin brunch

• Classic mesh back – breathable, like your morals

• Snapback closure – adjusts to fit your ego

• High-contrast orange and white – hunter safety meets bar bathroom graffiti

• Phrase is screen-printed in all caps – because subtlety is for cowards

• May get you uninvited from family events (worth it)

You didn’t play.

You endured.

This isn’t a hat — it’s a Purple Heart for your thumbs. If your childhood smelled like dusty cartridges and betrayal, you’ve already earned this mesh-backed monument to your digital valor.

The logo? It’s not just buttons. It’s the last thing your cousin saw before you made him rage quit forever.

For those who remember the cheat code to life: Up, Up, Down, Down, Trauma.

Details

• Embroidered front panel – stitched with gamer PTSD

• Mesh trucker back – breathable, like the console wars should’ve been

• Snapback fit – one size fits 99% of sweaty-palmed legends

• Color: Classic grey with dark mesh – neutral like your kill/death ratio

• Not available at GameStop. Ever.

• Power-up not included. Trauma? Absolutely.

You don’t wear this hat. You surrender to it. A full-blown legume explosion in 360° high-definition bean. Perfect for weddings, custody hearings, or just telling the world you gave up and became a soup.

Features:

– All-over baked bean immersion

– Unisex, unlike your personality

– Foldable for shame-based storage

– Lightweight polyester, heavy on regret

– Weird enough to be illegal in 13 states

Use cases:

• Getting kicked out of the family group chat
• Passing TSA with zero eye contact
• Talking to someone about your screenplay (bean-related)
• Summer. Or winter. Or emotional collapse.

He turned water into wine. He rose on the third day. And now… He’s absolutely dripping with charisma. The Son of God has entered His Rizz Era, and this shirt is your official notice. Featuring five immaculate Jesuses (Jesi?) locked, loaded, and ready to bless your timeline. Wear it to church, brunch, or while ghosting your situationship on Easter Sunday.

Details

• Premium cotton, holy enough for miracles

• Printed with rizzurrection-grade graphics

• Machine washable but spiritually indestructible

• Not officially endorsed by Heaven, but vibes suggest otherwise

There’s iron deficiency. There’s pica. And then there’s this. A disturbing yet somehow triumphant declaration of dietary defiance. Featuring a cat that looks like it’s either made of wood or spiritually possessed, staring directly into your soul with the confidence of someone who just ate half a bag of Super Cement™ and liked it. Do not wear this to the dentist.

Details

• Printed on premium regret-resistant cotton

• Unisex fit for the whole demolition crew

• Cement not included, but highly encouraged

• Not OSHA approved, obviously

You’re not misunderstood. You’re just mean—and we respect that. This shirt is for the brutally honest, the chronically sarcastic, and the emotionally unavailable. 

Perfect for anyone who’s ever said “just kidding” with the cold dead eyes of someone who absolutely wasn’t. Printed in clinical Helvetica red so there’s no confusion. Or eye contact.

Details

• Unisex fit for maximum interpersonal damage

• 100% cotton, 0% accountability

• Small text, big warning

• Does not come with a court-ordered apology