Ah yes, the greatest lie ever told in an elementary school cafeteria.

This hat brings back the vibes of folding a red ribbon into your Trapper Keeper while getting absolutely no education on drugs, addiction, or real life. It’s retro. It’s embroidered. And it’s dripping in irony for anyone who proudly owns a vape, a trauma bond, or a recreational felony.

To keep kids off drugs? Maybe.

To keep adults on edge? Definitely.

Details

• 3D puff embroidery in original D.A.R.E. red – because nostalgia hits harder than truth
• Classic black mesh trucker – breathable for when the lies start to sweat
• Curved brim – perfect for nodding while ignoring everything the program taught
• Adjustable snapback – one size fits all regret
• Fits men, women, and anyone who failed the pledge
• Makes every conversation just a little more uncomfortable

Description

Some heroes wear capes. Others wear a frog mid-sip, silently judging. This hat thrives on drama — from the sidelines.

Features

• Black cotton cap with embroidered frog enjoying a beverage
• Adjustable strap for brains full of thoughts (or nothing at all)
• Lightweight & breathable — for tea parties or shade-throwing marathons
• Unisex, because petty has no gender
• Works in summer, spring, autumn, and any season full of nonsense
• Perfect for introverts, instigators, and anyone who’s ever said “just saying”

Specifications

• Material: Cotton
• Colors: Black
• Sizes: One size (adjustable strap)
• Fit: Classic dad hat
• Style: Casual unisex
• Embroidery: Premium stitching

Finally, a science class we can get behind. This shirt breaks down the essential elements of modern communication: sarcasm, pettiness, and a vague sense of superiority. Designed using totally real and not-at-all-misused periodic table blocks, it’s the perfect tee for chemistry majors, failed comedians, or anyone whose love language is passive aggression.

Printed on a jet black cotton blend that’s soft enough to nap in and structured enough to let people know you’re smarter than them (or at least funnier).

Details

• 70% cotton blend

• Classic unisex fit

• Available in black, white, khaki, red, wine red, blue, light gray, dark gray, navy blue

• Sizes XS–4XL

• Will not improve your GPA, but may boost your self-esteem

This shirt is not hopeful.

It’s not motivational.

It’s just… true.

Staring deep into the void with America’s little trash philosopher, this tee tells it like it is—without the need for a second coffee or a wellness podcast.

You don’t need therapy.

You need a shirt with a raccoon that gave up in 2007 and never looked back.

🙃 For when you wanna say, “Don’t talk to me,”

💅 But also say, “I have a raccoon degree in Realism.”

Let the beige do the talking.

Let the raccoon do the crying.

Let the people know the vibes are subterranean.

Product Details:

• 100% cotton, soft enough for a midlife spiral

• Screen-printed blue ink that matches your general outlook

• Unisex sizing (Medium, Large, Extra-large Regret)

• Slightly boxy fit, just like the day you were born

• Raccoon illustration hand-sketched by a man who hasn’t slept since 2020

This isn’t a novelty tee. It’s a medical disclosure, screen-printed in bold for public safety.

After Trump declared Tylenol causes autism, the world split in two: those who Googled it, and those who are it. You? You were forged in the Tylenawl Era — a generation raised on over-the-counter chaos and government-grade marketing.

This shirt does the explaining so you don’t have to. DMV line? Covered. Job interview? Handled. Family reunion? They already know.

One glance and they’ll understand:

• You’re a documented survivor of Tylenawl-based parenting.

• Patience is not a virtue — it’s a prescription.

• You’re not apologizing. You’re reporting side effects.

Think of it as a hospital bracelet for your upper body — stylish, diagnosable, and FDA-unapproved.

Wear it responsibly. Or don’t. You’re already dosed.

Description
Skip the chasers, go straight to chaos. This tee says what you won’t whisper: I Don’t Drink, Just Drugs. Perfect for parties, festivals, and ruining small talk.

Features

• Loose fit for maximum comfort (and plausible deniability)

• 100% cotton for breathable bad decisions

• Short sleeves for hot clubs or hotter messes

• Unisex design — chaos is for everyone

• Durable print that outlasts the afterparty

Specifications

• Fabric: Cotton

• Colors: Gray, Khaki, Pink, White

• Sizes: XS–XXXL

• Sleeve: Regular short sleeve

• Fit: Loose pullover

• Style: Japanese/Korean casual

• Print: High-quality graphic

• Thickness: Standard