Finally, a science class we can get behind. This shirt breaks down the essential elements of modern communication: sarcasm, pettiness, and a vague sense of superiority. Designed using totally real and not-at-all-misused periodic table blocks, it’s the perfect tee for chemistry majors, failed comedians, or anyone whose love language is passive aggression.

Printed on a jet black cotton blend that’s soft enough to nap in and structured enough to let people know you’re smarter than them (or at least funnier).

Details

• 70% cotton blend

• Classic unisex fit

• Available in black, white, khaki, red, wine red, blue, light gray, dark gray, navy blue

• Sizes XS–4XL

• Will not improve your GPA, but may boost your self-esteem

This shirt is not hopeful.

It’s not motivational.

It’s just… true.

Staring deep into the void with America’s little trash philosopher, this tee tells it like it is—without the need for a second coffee or a wellness podcast.

You don’t need therapy.

You need a shirt with a raccoon that gave up in 2007 and never looked back.

🙃 For when you wanna say, “Don’t talk to me,”

💅 But also say, “I have a raccoon degree in Realism.”

Let the beige do the talking.

Let the raccoon do the crying.

Let the people know the vibes are subterranean.

Product Details:

• 100% cotton, soft enough for a midlife spiral

• Screen-printed blue ink that matches your general outlook

• Unisex sizing (Medium, Large, Extra-large Regret)

• Slightly boxy fit, just like the day you were born

• Raccoon illustration hand-sketched by a man who hasn’t slept since 2020

This isn’t a novelty tee. It’s a medical disclosure, screen-printed in bold for public safety.

After Trump declared Tylenol causes autism, the world split in two: those who Googled it, and those who are it. You? You were forged in the Tylenawl Era — a generation raised on over-the-counter chaos and government-grade marketing.

This shirt does the explaining so you don’t have to. DMV line? Covered. Job interview? Handled. Family reunion? They already know.

One glance and they’ll understand:

• You’re a documented survivor of Tylenawl-based parenting.

• Patience is not a virtue — it’s a prescription.

• You’re not apologizing. You’re reporting side effects.

Think of it as a hospital bracelet for your upper body — stylish, diagnosable, and FDA-unapproved.

Wear it responsibly. Or don’t. You’re already dosed.

Description
Skip the chasers, go straight to chaos. This tee says what you won’t whisper: I Don’t Drink, Just Drugs. Perfect for parties, festivals, and ruining small talk.

Features

• Loose fit for maximum comfort (and plausible deniability)

• 100% cotton for breathable bad decisions

• Short sleeves for hot clubs or hotter messes

• Unisex design — chaos is for everyone

• Durable print that outlasts the afterparty

Specifications

• Fabric: Cotton

• Colors: Gray, Khaki, Pink, White

• Sizes: XS–XXXL

• Sleeve: Regular short sleeve

• Fit: Loose pullover

• Style: Japanese/Korean casual

• Print: High-quality graphic

• Thickness: Standard

You put in the hours. You worked nights, weekends, and federal holidays. You never got a 401k, a company car, or a formal performance review — but you did get a lot of very fast cash and a sixth sense for unmarked vehicles. Now it's over. You've hung up the scale, deleted the burner, and you deserve something to mark the occasion. Something embroidered. Something that says I've been through things without requiring a lawyer present.

This is that hat.

• Bold embroidery for when subtlety was always kind of a liability anyway
• 100% cotton dome — breathable, comfortable, zero surveillance-camera glare
• Adjustable strap for heads still instinctively on a swivel
• Available in black (legacy stealth mode) and red (post-retirement look-at-me energy)
• Fits 55–62cm skulls, with or without faded crew tattoos
• Ideal for BBQs, family reunions, parole anniversaries, or deeply confusing a Walgreens cashier
• Makes an excellent gag gift for a retired cop, a very self-aware friend, or literally anyone named Carl

Classic structured dad hat, 100% cotton, one-size-adjustable (55–62cm). Available in black and red. Ships in standard packaging with no incriminating paperwork.

New York City: eight million people, zero affordable apartments, and one hat that captures all of it without requiring you to eat a $27 bodega sandwich. The Big Apple Hat is a retro streetwear dad cap with a bold pop-art apple embroidered on the front, which means you can rep NYC whether you've actually been there or you just have strong opinions about the subway based on a Law & Order binge. Valid.

The fine print:

• Embroidered patch: bold pop-art apple + crowd scene, very "I contain multitudes and also a MetroCard"
• Cotton twill dome — soft enough for all-day wear, sturdy enough to survive a Brooklyn summer
• Distressed brim for instant "I've seen things" street credibility (things: pigeons, mostly)
• Adjustable strap fits Yankees fans, Mets fans, and people who just like hats
• Available in black, khaki, and washed denim — all equally valid New York energy
• Perfect for tourists, transplants, locals, and people who say "I'm basically from New York" because they watched Seinfeld

Classic dad hat fit. Cotton twill construction. One size adjustable. Ships in colors: black, khaki, washed blue. Great gift for New York lovers, city obsessives, and anyone whose personality is a borough.

Nobody knows what's happening here. That's not a bug. The AUTISM tee arrives fully unannounced — flaming font, breakdancing skeleton of ambiguous coordination, layout that communicates "I contain multitudes and also chaos" without once asking if that's okay with you. It is not asking. It will not ask.

Fine Print (please skim chaotically):

• Features a skeleton who may or may not be breakdancing — coroner's report still pending
• The font is on fire because regular fonts weren't doing enough
• Neurodivergent energy: pre-installed, non-removable
• Wildly misunderstood by design — this is a feature, not a defect
• May cause double takes, unsolicited opinions, and strangers pointing
• Not a medically approved educational resource (we checked)
• Does pair well with hyperfixations, sensory-friendly fabric choices, and being aggressively yourself

Unisex fit, sizes S–XXXL, breathable polyester mesh, sublimation print that hits as hard in person as it does in the thumbnail. Weird, proud, and built for anyone who wears their identity like a flaming graphic tee — which is to say, loudly and without apology.