Festive Beating Receptacle — Sticker

Look at you. Bright, colorful, and strung up by the neck so everyone can take turns swinging a wooden bat at your vital organs until you rupture and spill cheap garbage onto the lawn. Happy birthday.

For anyone whose core function in the modern economy is just absorbing blunt force trauma with a painted-on smile. You are a hollow papier-mâché vessel of existential dread. Wear the truth, and let the universe know you are in the optimal position to receive the stick.

• Does not contain high-quality candy, mostly just microplastics and dread
• Warning: Wearer will burst open after three to five mandatory fun events
• Do not spin wearer before striking, they are already severely disoriented