Voluntary Paranoia Procurement — Sticker

Recreational relaxation is a myth propagated by Big Leisure. You aren't buying a mild buzz; you are executing a deliberate financial transaction to trigger a localized threat assessment in your own living room. Why be comfortably numb when you can pay retail price to peer through your blinds at an imagined federal raid?

For the unoptimized biological unit, this is the ultimate luxury: outsourcing your existential dread to a scheduled botanical interaction. Wear this to signal that your internal risk-scoring system is currently operating at maximum capacity and you have voluntarily requisitioned additional panic.

THE FINE PRINT:

• Verified effective for overanalyzing a brief social interaction from 2009.
• Compliant with mandatory indoor heart-palpitation directives.
• Warning: May induce unauthorized awareness of the infinite void.
• Does not include protective eyewear for staring at the ceiling.