This shirt is not hopeful.

It’s not motivational.

It’s just… true.

Staring deep into the void with America’s little trash philosopher, this tee tells it like it is—without the need for a second coffee or a wellness podcast.

You don’t need therapy.

You need a shirt with a raccoon that gave up in 2007 and never looked back.

🙃 For when you wanna say, “Don’t talk to me,”

💅 But also say, “I have a raccoon degree in Realism.”

Let the beige do the talking.

Let the raccoon do the crying.

Let the people know the vibes are subterranean.

Product Details:

• 100% cotton, soft enough for a midlife spiral

• Screen-printed blue ink that matches your general outlook

• Unisex sizing (Medium, Large, Extra-large Regret)

• Slightly boxy fit, just like the day you were born

• Raccoon illustration hand-sketched by a man who hasn’t slept since 2020

You walk into the room.

Everyone’s eyes adjust.

Too late.

You’ve already been seen.

This shirt isn’t just reflective. It’s a premonition.

A retina-melter. A disco ball with unresolved trauma.

It shimmers like an oil spill in heaven.

It’s technically a short-sleeve button-up. But spiritually?

It’s a tactical rave warning.

Made from a polyester blend that feels like sleeping inside a UFO.

Glows so hard it files taxes as a light source.

Also available in sizes that fit demigods, ghost hunters, and retired DJs.

Product Details:

• 95% polyester, 5% “what the hell is that made of”

• Full-spectrum reflective coating — works in flash photos, streetlights, and spiritual awakenings

• Two chest pockets for your secrets or ChapStick

• Black buttons to contrast your divine glow

• Relaxed fit for ease of movement and post-visibility existential crises

• Available in M to 3XL

• Pairs great with zero explanation

You’re not bragging.

You’re just realizing.

That moment when self-doubt turns into pure uncut swagger?

This shirt lives there.

In lowercase.

Typeset like a cursed medieval scroll but reads like your inner monologue right before domination.

Perfect for when you’re in your humble but terrifying arc.

Put it on.

Look down.

Realize:

Oh. I’m Him.

Product Details:

• Ultra-soft polyester blend — smooth enough to make a goat weep

• Moisture-wicking fabric for that post-epiphany glow

• Relaxed fit for lounging or casually altering the course of history

• Machine washable — even after a full power-up

• Screenprinted Gothic lowercase chaos

• Sizes S to XXL — modesty not included

Forget cardio.

This tee honors the undisputed king of murderous striding.

Michael Myers doesn’t run.

He walks briskly. With purpose.

And he still catches everyone. Every time.

This shirt is your official entry into the Slasher Olympics, where gold medals are earned in patience, silence, and a borderline-psychotic walking pace.

Stamped with a vintage varsity font and the 1978 release date, this shirt is perfect for horror fans, speed walkers, and dudes who haven’t blinked since the Carter administration.

Put it on. Start walking.

Never stop.

Product Details:

• 100% pre-shrunk cotton — breathable enough for a long walk home from Haddonfield

• Vintage black tee with bold white print

• Fits true to size unless you’re being chased

• Printed with dark energy in the USA

• Sizes S to 5XL, because evil has no limits

• Machine washable — won’t scream in the dryer

• Warning: Wearing this shirt may cause strangers to lock their doors

Welcome to Los Pollos Hermanos — where the chicken is spicy, the service is polite, and the operation is very well-managed.

This tee features the iconic twin roosters you’d trust with your lunch order—or your life savings—depending on how deep the story goes. Inspired by the most legitimate fast food chain in the most definitely real New Mexico, this shirt is the ultimate uniform for fans of fried poultry, corporate fronts, and morally ambiguous empire builders.

Recommended use cases:

– Casual cookouts

– DEA interviews

– Underground tunnel crawls

– Standing eerily still with your hands behind your back

Perfect for Breaking Bad superfans, Better Call Saul loyalists, or anyone whose business card says “Manager” but their Google Drive says otherwise.

Wear it. Just don’t ask too many questions.

Forget crypto. Forget stocks. This is real hustle.

The “Need Money for Porsche” tee lets the world know your priorities are straight: you don’t want help, you want horsepower. Printed in ransom-note lettering that screams both “I have a dream” and “I might sell you a cursed NFT,” this shirt is the perfect blend of high ambition and low bank account.

Ideal for:

– Begging with dignity

– Flexing without funds

– Garage daydreaming

– Explaining why you’re not splitting the check

Minimalist front. Maximum delusion on the back. Fits like a charm. Motivates like a manifesto.

Warning: Shirt does not come with Porsche. Yet.

You didn’t go offline. The universe unplugged you.

This shirt is the last thing your browser saw before it blacked out.

A stranded dinosaur. A cactus. A prompt that sounds more like a dare.

Try: interacting with other humans? You first.

Printed in cold, pixelated honesty on soft white cotton, this tee is a wearable error message for the digitally deranged and socially suspended. Perfect for introverts, software engineers, or anyone still processing the Google Chrome no internet trauma from March 2020.

Other uses:

– Wi-Fi summoning ritual

– Friend repellent

– Conversation starter you’ll hate having

– Official uniform for your next forced team-building event

It’s not just a shirt. It’s your status.

And right now, you are offline.