A hat. But also: a statement, a defense mechanism, a war crime waiting to happen.

This isn’t just headwear. This is a classified object disguised as civilian apparel. Equipped with two permanently affixed ocular shields (non-functional, extremely intimidating), the Goggle Recon Cap makes you look like you’re on leave from a steampunk moon war—and you only came back to buy batteries.

Choose your color based on your current mental state:

• Black – stealth mode activated

• Beige – undercover suburban ops

• Yellow – tactical optimism

• Green – photosynthesize and destroy

Wear it forwards to look insane. Wear it backwards to look unapproachable. Either way, nobody’s making eye contact.

Details:

• 100% cotton, unless it’s not

• built-in goggles that do nothing but everything

• adjustable back strap for when your head’s full of secrets

• available in multiple shades of emotional instability

A powerful headpiece that says, “I may have been crocheted, but my enemies were knit-picky.”

There are hats. And then there are statements. This one says, “I own zero real dreadlocks but somehow too many opinions.” Fully loaded with chaotic neutral energy and crafted from thick yarn strands that whisper, “Don’t question it, just vibe.”

Whether you’re going to a Halloween party, infiltrating a ska concert, or just having an identity crisis at 2am, the Yarnlocked Hat is here to guide you. Comes pre-infused with incense and the energy of 10,000 unspoken debates.

Details

• one-size-fits-most cranial mysteries

• handcrafted yarn tentacles in various emotional shades

• breathable mesh structure for maximum head simmer

• wildly inauthentic

• should not be worn to Jamaica without a legal escort

For the chefs, the parents, the meal preppers — and anyone who’s just done pretending dinner is fun.

This shirt captures that exact moment when you open the fridge, stare at half a tomato and an expired yogurt, and realize the only thing you’re cooking tonight is your sanity.

A tragic masterpiece of burnout, served medium rare.

Some nights you eat. Some nights you simply… stop.

Details

• Depressed rat graphic – Michelin star in despair
• Soft cotton blend – perfect for collapsing face-down post-meal
• Unisex fit – for everyone who’s emotionally sautéed
• Minimalist text, maximalist cry for help
• Great for cooks, students, service workers, and anyone who’s “had enough” since 2017
• Pairs beautifully with unwashed dishes and intrusive thoughts

This shirt says what your face won’t.

Minimal on the front. Catastrophic on the side. Perfect for anyone who insists they’re “just tired” while actively hemorrhaging emotionally, physically, or both. Whether you’re going through a breakup, a work crisis, or the apocalypse, this shirt lets everyone know: you’re definitely not fine.

But you said it, so legally they can’t ask.

Details

• Plain front text: “I’m fine.” – the most common lie in history
• Blood splatter graphic on side/hip – dramatic, passive-aggressive, and medically concerning
• Ash gray base – just like your soul
• Heavyweight cotton – so your breakdown is at least breathable
• Great for Halloween, therapy, or the group chat exit

The perfect shirt for anyone who thinks “good morning” is a threat.

This tee isn’t just a joke — it’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. Modeled after America’s favorite donut empire, but with way more hostility, this logo ripoff is equal parts legal gray area and middle school cafeteria energy.

Pairs best with iced coffee, side-eye, and zero shame.

Details

• Printed parody logo – aggressively stupid in the best way
• 100% cotton – soft enough for sleeping, disrespectful enough for brunch
• Unisex fit – works for him, her, and whoever’s yelling “GOT EEM” in the parking lot
• Pullover crewneck style – no effort, maximum effect
• Available in white or black – choose your flavor of chaos
• Ideal for group chats, failed job interviews, and first dates that go too well

Let’s be honest — you didn’t plan this.

But the government says congrats anyway.

This onesie turns your little chaos gremlin into exactly what they are: the cutest deduction you’ll ever claim. Whether they’re drooling on the W-2s or screaming during your Zoom audit, they’re technically saving you money just by existing.

Born in January? That’s a long-term investment.

Born in December? Peak efficiency.

Details

• Soft cotton onesie with envelope neck and bottom snaps
• Printed with “World’s Cutest Tax Deduction” — because truth counts
• Available in 0–24M sizes — from fresh write-offs to seasoned expenses
• Unisex fit for babies of all financial backgrounds
• DTG printed for long-lasting laughs (and receipts)
• Ideal for baby showers, holiday announcements, or casual IRS flexing

Ah yes, the greatest lie ever told in an elementary school cafeteria.

This hat brings back the vibes of folding a red ribbon into your Trapper Keeper while getting absolutely no education on drugs, addiction, or real life. It’s retro. It’s embroidered. And it’s dripping in irony for anyone who proudly owns a vape, a trauma bond, or a recreational felony.

To keep kids off drugs? Maybe.

To keep adults on edge? Definitely.

Details

• 3D puff embroidery in original D.A.R.E. red – because nostalgia hits harder than truth
• Classic black mesh trucker – breathable for when the lies start to sweat
• Curved brim – perfect for nodding while ignoring everything the program taught
• Adjustable snapback – one size fits all regret
• Fits men, women, and anyone who failed the pledge
• Makes every conversation just a little more uncomfortable